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Rye5
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Name: Ryan
Location:
Birthday: 1/9/1989
Gender: Male
Interests: Jesus, hanging out with friends, jammin with my Third Hand Smoke buddies Luke and Zach, bible quizzing, doing crazy stuff with my main man Luke, girls, fishing, listenin to music (esp. tobymac!!!), drama, playing guitar for youth group and leading worship, goin on msn, basketball, lots and lots of other stuff.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  silversparrow89@aol.com
MSN: we_da_wom@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  rpqb11@yahoo.com
Member Since:
7/2/2005
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| Fire and death reign me in like a tourniquet. Life is falling… falling… falling like a shattered stained glass window. Grandiose perceptions of a city on a hill cloud my vision to the point of no return. I fell off the edge of the world searching for the Fountain of Youth, but I’m still going to die. Hell is here and you are near but I can’t stay clear of this guilt I fear. I’m falling down and I’m bleeding now… please save me… if you really care.
Isolation burns me like a candle with no flame in the dead of winter. Frostbitten appendages cut off and thrown away… everything I once thought was so important has been given to the dogs… They gnaw on what was once my life… I’ve nothing left at all…
Earthquakes shatter… my curtains are torn and now I’m left here pale and worn with a tooth knocked out and a naked sore, I just want hope that there’s something more but all I can do is cry out to you… but you never seem to hear. You say I’m not being honest with you, but I hope now I’m being clear. If you don’t intervene then I’m going to die. If you don’t hold my hand then you can’t have my life. I’ve spent all this time pursuing you, now pursue me for once and you will have my trust.
Blazing… blazing… unfazed by the uncertainty. Stalwart faces fixed on the false horizon. Aching for a pain that is real unlike what we feel today. If we could put a finger on what it is that’s wrong, maybe this wouldn’t be quite so difficult to solve. It’s not that complicated to write down words, but to have them capture this concept of defeat is impossible. Falling… falling… like a sucide jumper off the edge of eternity into the abyss of the unkown. Falling… falling… falling and eating away at my soul from the inside out like an acid chewing through the strongest of metals, humbled by what it cannot control. Defeated and falling… falling… airplane stalling… crash landing… I can’t believe I’ll still be standing when this all comes crashing down.
New life seems so far away like an island paradise that will never arrive. A device created to inspire good awaits me, but I refuse it like a child refusing a Christmas present from his loving parents. Dog eat dog, and I eat myself… corroding from the inside out like a pencil being shaved from both ends until there is nothing left of me to sharpen.
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| I was having a good dream...
I came to.
I saw this nightmare called reality...
Oh, how I wish I could resume my dream! | | |
| How long will I resist your will God? I am stubborn to the core and I seem literally unable to read my Bible or take anything spiritual seriously. What is wrong with me? What happened to the Ryan who was on fire for God, naive, but passionate? I wish I could go back to being ignorant of these "truths" that I have learned. I guess ignorance really is bliss. It's way easier just to accept everything you ever heard in sunday school without asking why... life was simpler then... all i had to do was smile, play nice, and memorize the Bible and I had my ticket to Heaven. Now it seems that no matter what I do, I am the black sheep of God's family... maybe I'm destined to fail at this. Maybe God hardened my heart like he did pharaoh's and now my place in Hell is fixed for me forever. Maybe God gave up on me and moved on to better people. I feel like I am Saul... humbled and replaced by someone else. But now, even after all of this... there is no reconciliation to God. He has made up his mind against me and I waited too long to make up my mind.
But maybe my problem is that I am bitter. Maybe I still haven't really humbled myself. I feel also that I am locked in a battle of wills with the one whose will is unshakable. Maybe I am an arrogant little cockroach who thinks he's king of the world. GOD! It isn't fair. I didn't choose this. I don't want to be cynical and bitter... I don't want to doubt EVERYTHING. This is the darkest time of my life... ever. I have never once before thought about rebelling against my faith, and now I feel like I am fallen... and not only am I fallen, but there is no one to help lift me back up.
My friends have all deserted me. I feel like the King in the song "Viva la Vida" and now I am sweeping the streets I used to own. What goes around comes around I guess... it was only a matter of time before I was found out as a fraud.
If you're out there... please... give me a hand... have mercy... remember the days when we were friends and for the sake of the good memories we had together, help me up. Please... I'm hurt... I'm bleeding out and if you dont help me, I may just end up dead. Please out of the kindness in your heart... speak to me... let me know that you're still there. I admit that I am fallen... I need help. I am not the king I once was... now please take me back as a servant in your house. Just don't let me die here alone. Humble me God... I have fallen farther than I thought was possible. Please rip out this bitterness... youre the only one who can fix me. Altar calls can't fix me... rituals can't fix me... classes can't fix me... music can't fix me... friends can't fix me... ashley can't fix me... my parents can't fix me... the things of this world can't fix me... Christianity can't fix me... I need YOU to fix me with your own hands God. Forgive me of my prideful rebellion... forgive me of my lust for control... forgive me of my hatred I have shown you... forget my iniquities and bring me home in your arms... I am broken... set me right and hold me to your chest. Actually change me... transform me... change who i am... kill me... resurrect me... breathe your life into me... renew my childlike faith. Let me not be discouraged... let me trust in you at all times in all situations... Hit me in the head with a 2 x 4.... punch me in the mouth.... make me bleed from my lips... then maybe they'd be clean enough to kiss you. Puncture my hands... maybe then they'd be pure enough to touch you.... Gouge out my eyes... maybe then I'd be wise enough to see you... Crucify me... and maybe then I'd be dead enough to live for you. | | |
| "There's a certain amount of humility that is attached to wonder, and a certain amount of pride attached to knowledge and I think the moment you say 'we know beyond a shadow of a doubt this exists', you can't have faith that it exists. Faith is no longer possible. So faith is only possible when doubt is possible. Faith is only possible when humility and wonder is possible. And I feel like the musical world of humility and wonder is a much wider door to enter into than the narrow confines of epistemology and things like knowledge and these really narrow boxes. That's kind of where our songs are... [those are] the worlds our songs are trying to explore." - Jon Foreman, Switchfoot | | |
| So here I am... 18 years old and about to jump into the massive current known as "Real Life." But what is life really? I still don't quite get what this is all about. We are born, we grow older... and older... and older... and older until we die... hopefully having accomplished something in the short time we were here. Basically, the way I see it, there are two views to this life: 1. There is no point; or 2. God is the point. 1. There is no point The heading basically says is all. Everything we do is just going to either quicken or delay the inevitable: we are going to die. Do you realize that? No matter how hard you work or play or sweat or pray, no matter what you eat, wear, drive, drink, or do to yourself, you are going to be fertilizing dandelions someday. So what's the point of living a "good life" if eventually you are going to completely cease to exist? Some might say that you can do good and leave a legacy behind and somehow make the world a better place, but I'll argue that no matter how hard you try prolong it, life will come to an end. The very people you are saving from terrorists or AIDS will eventually die of something else, so in the end... what is the point in humanitarian work or even doing the right thing? The wicked will die along with the righteous and if there is no afterlife, we all will share the same muddy blanket someday. To sum it all up, life is meaningless. But some refuse to believe this. Some reach out for hope in a hopeless and black world. These people hold to the hope that... 2. God is the point I'm still trying to figure this out to be honest with you. Basically, I'm trying to sort out the weeds from the flowers; what does God say? And what needless hoops have humans come up with to complicate the gospel? In my perspective, the gospel is telling us good news that he is willing to look past our iniquities and mistakes and that he loves us for who we are... blemishes and all. But I think it's become a popular idea in the church that in order to be saved you have to be a good "Christian." You have to go to church and put your money in offering plate and stand up when you're singing the praise songs and all that jazz, or else your sins are still all there somehow and Jesus doesn't love you. I am so ticked off at the general judgemental attitude of the church. We wear our WWJD wristbands on the very hands that we are forming into fists and shaking at those who are any different than us. Maybe the church should be an outreach instead of a weekly hangout place for the goody-two-shoes gilded Christians out there. But if somehow you can see past the icy haze created by some of the so-called "Christian" leaders, I think you can see where our purpose lies... what life is actually all about: Life is a very brief state, but eternity is forever. I personally cannot wait for the day when there will be no more pain or imperfection. If you look at it that way, this frustrating time between now and eternity doesn't seem nearly as sacred as we make it out to be. Maybe we need to look at life with (heaven forbid) a little humor. I don't claim to have the answer, but I do claim to be seeking it, and God help me, I WILL find it someday... in this life, or the next. | | |
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